Journal entry for July 8th, 2007
If I don't write, I'll die.
This is one of those days. One of those wretched days that is so unbearable to live through. Once of those days where I wish I could sleep right through till the pain goes away and the comfort of knowing how the bigger picture is being served by my suffering finally becomes palpable.
This process is both a blessing and a curse and one where the understandings often come at such a high price that it is difficult to draw my next breath. It causes me to go into such deep despair, down to that old, old place that I had forgotten was so wounded and real and excruciating. No wonder I shut away so many memories from the past. My god, who would want to live with the daily reminders of abandonment, judgement, worthlessness, and shame? How could any person function in this place? How will I function?
In this churning mess of emotion, all my illusions, my hopes and promises of happiness are being digested, all the savoury and the sweet, the spicy and the bitter morsels from life's banquet having been chewed up together and swallowed mindlessly in an effort to sustain me. My appetite was so great and my need so strong and I feasted enthusiastically. And now, here I am, waiting for this latest, most delicious indulgence to be stripped down and processed, for my soul to begin to assimilate what I need and for time and wisdom to eliminate the rest. The soul knows what to do. It's an involuntary process, brilliantly designed to serve us so that we may thrive and grow. Unfortunately, it's the body's job to deal with all the discomfort and the pain that comes with it.
Well, that was a nice metaphor, and it served to distract me for a while. But really, what am I going to do with this? How am I going to go about my daily business with this relentless aching that a river of tears cannot alleviate? (Believe me, I've tried) I'm in limbo and feel that I have no power to control the direction of my fate. The decision is in someone else's hands and, even though I trust implicitly that those are good hands (great hands) to be in, I wish I could exert some kind of influence on the outcome.
Its funny, really, how the tables seemed to turn so suddenly. One day I was leading the way, holding the lantern to illuminate the path before us, and the next day the tables got turned in what seemed like an instant and I find myself being taken gently by the hand and led by a new and fragile light, but one that gains more brilliance with every step we take together. I know I can trust it to take me where we need to go. There is so much love in that light, so much peace, so much integrity and so much power. I feel blessed that I have been chosen to walk this path. I ask only for the strength to hold onto my faith that it will lead us to the ultimate experience of Joy. God help me transcend these moments of doubt and despair and move me closer to the greater understanding of what the truth is.
I believed it when I said that I now feel it is impossible to really envision what the ultimate possibilities are. I commented that, to make a list, or to visualize what we want is useful, yet limiting. I do believe that we cannot know the magnitude of our potential at any given moment, because it continues to expand. The more we wish for and the more we learn to expect, the more the possibilities will continue to multiply. Our only downfall is that we get caught up in the limited perspective of what we think is possible, limiting the limitless, rather than trusting the infinite nature of the universe. We must stop fixating on the rules that we have been conditioned to believe exist in our reality. They come from our human need to control our environment, to stay safe in the circumstances that we have become familiar with (even when they limit us), and therefore stay small and unfulfilled. We are so afraid to even think outside the box and break the rules that society has built for us that we forget the history of why they were constructed in the first place - as a means to control the semi-evolved human nature in all of us.
Human beings are so unique in that regard. Animals need no rules. Every other species on the planet lives by instinct, rather than a set of laws and no form of intervention is ever necessary for them to thrive (unless it to fix what humans have damaged). Why then, can't we apply this simple and abundant wisdom to our own existence? Why have we been so insistent for so many millennia that we need to re-condition ourselves from the intuitive, instinctual beings that we are? Why do we complicate things so much?
I believe the answer lies within our process of evolution. For whatever reason, our species was chosen to evolve beyond that of our planetary co-habitants. Our soul evolution depends on what we choose to learn from the experience of being human, and therefore we are destined to create progressive scenarios in which to experience the fullness of ourselves. Because we come from Light, it stands to reason that many of the experiences we choose, as humans, will be in contrast to that which we already know. Since the beginning of time, we have been given challenges, both great and small, individually and collectively that serve to assist us in our personal, social and spiritual development. If we look at the origin of our species, we have to marvel at how far we have come in such a short time, relative to the age of our planet. It is important to recognize that at this point in our evolution, (especially in the year 2007) we are preparing to take a quantum leap forward, advancing at a rate that is equivalent to all that we have accomplished over the last century, but in just a few years.
Given this perspective, I believe we have no other choice - no - we have an urgent responsibility - to examine all of our beliefs and judgements about what is expected of us as individuals and discard anything that will prevent us from realizing our fullest potential. The rules have got to be broken in order for us to move forward. We have to understand that those rules don't work for us anymore, just as many of the rules our ancestors lived by only centuries ago had to be abandoned in order for us to achieve a greater sense of freedom and empowerment. We understand, in most parts of the world, that any kind of slavery or segregation only serves to dis-empower us all and yet, we still draw imaginary lines all over the planet to separate us into groups, belief systems and families designed only to enslave us, control us and, in turn, keep us from remembering the only thing that our soul really needs - universal love. We create wars, laws and systems to protect those lines and then we wonder why there is still so much suffering in the world and why most of us are still so lost and unaware of who we really are and what we are capable of.
I no longer believe that we are meant to break off into small groups that separate us from one another. We are meant to live together, free from the restrictions imposed by our perceived need to protect our assets. After all, this is precisely where the concept of what we now know to be the family unit came from. Originally, human beings lived in tribal communities in which all members worked together to sustain the group. There was no need to define 'who belonged to whom". Later on, as people evolved and began to collect more 'stuff" the concept of "ownership" came into play. Things became unbalanced, as some individuals continued to collect more and more in an effort to become more powerful over the others. The more they had, the more they wanted to be sure that their biological heirs would inherit their fortunes, and eventually found a way for their women to be prevented from producing offspring from any other union, and thus the "family" was born. What originated as an enslavement has evolved into a global acceptance that I believe goes against our inherent nature to love and share freely.
Over the last century, we have had many insights as to what steps need to be taken in order to live peacefully and harmoniously on our planet. For many, the utopian ideal of communal living has always seemed to be the answer, and I tend to agree with that notion. And it makes me wonder why this style of living is rarely embraced in modern society. I think the answer may be that we are still looking outside ourselves for a place or scenario that would offer us everything that our hearts desire. Perhaps the missing link is that we should no longer need to feel that we have to rely on others for our ultimate survival. Perhaps we must learn to understand that we have all the power we need to create our own inner world of peace and harmony, and that living in the company of others who are harmonious with our ideals will only be possible once we have found it in ourselves.
I want to suggest that the evolution of our species does not depend on how we can come together, make peace and save the world. It depends on each of us looking into our own truth, our darkness and our light, embracing the lessons learned and yet loving ourselves enough to seek freedom from the bondage of our fears, which only serve to limit us from becoming the greatest possible version of ourselves. When we can finally accept that we deserve to have all our greatest dreams come true and then have the courage to take the steps to set the wheels in motion, all resistance falls away and the universe will conspire on our behalf to facilitate the manifestation of our desires - easily, effortlessly and full of grace. All the barriers will disappear, the conflicts will dissolve and we will realize that we are all alchemists, with the power to transmute energy and experience, like turning lead into gold.
I have been given many opportunities recently to examine my own life and how I fit into the larger picture of the world and to those around me. My sense of belonging has been something I have been acutely aware of for my entire life. I continually ask myself: Where do I fit in? What is my role? How do I impact others? Who will love and accept me for who I really am?
I have been searching for the place where I belong for so long, that I began struggling to belong to anything that felt safe and familiar. I became determined to convince myself that I would be happy as long as I stayed in one place, abiding by one, widely accepted and conventional set of rules.
But since I began my journey of self-discovery, I have come to understand that the greatest gift I can give to myself is to BE myself, ACCEPT myself and LOVE myself and that the only responsibility I have is to BELONG to MYSELF. The more I practice this, the more I experience it in return and the evidence that I am on the right path becomes overwhelming. I am delivered newer, better feeling and expansive opportunities for giving and receiving love and acceptance, and I have NEVER felt so LOVED as I do today.
And now, here is the important part: All this did not come without my willingness, my effort and my ultimate surrender to risk losing what I told myself was all I needed and what I believed was all I deserved. Had I continued to follow the rules that I had enslaved myself with, such as a need to be what others wanted me to be or to 'do the right thing", I never would have had the chance to experience some of the most fulfilling moments of my life. Moments that, were I to draw my last breath a moment from now, I could honestly say made my life more complete than I had ever thought possible. I will celebrate these moments for the rest of my life and I will hold them as a testament to what each of us can have if we only have the courage to dwell in the possibility.
I feel better now,